Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

i will not be silenced

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.