Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

Hot Panini is in big trouble

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

That’s easy for you to say

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

I hope Alan is OK

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.