I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog