I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
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Good morning
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Holy shit he’s back
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father