I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear