Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thursday

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…