I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.