Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

I am patiently waiting for your email

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Kentucky names the shit out of places

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.