Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

seriously you guys

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast