I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
bad
worse
worst
worchester
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.