I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
You Might Also Like
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Jogging
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.