I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
How software testing works
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
life finds a way
