I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Wolves should really raise more people.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.