I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
If only
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?