I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”