I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun