Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

My favorite female superhero

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

This is I, Robot all over again

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?

Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-

Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!

Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*

Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it

Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.