I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
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Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
We’re all getting idioter.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
just got my engagement photos
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.