I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
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It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.