I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
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4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.