I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
why I oughta
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
motivation
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Thursday
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do