I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”