Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

You have been warned.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

For real 🤣

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.