Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

THE DOG😭😭💀

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.