Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

drew a comic about my origin story

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test

Me: C

Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light