Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler