I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?