I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.