Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

one week till the election

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.

If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.