Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
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[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
a badder mouse
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
May never get over this
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.