Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.