I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
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Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I only look at Wordle for the articles
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.