I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
in 3 months
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[at the general store]
me: one general please
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa