Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

[Office meeting]

*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up

Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall

Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds