I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]