Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in