Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Yup

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

there’s probably a fee though

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.