I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin
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i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Important reminders
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”