Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

when you order from DoorDastardly

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?

Prism. It’s a light sentence

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous