Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.

{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}

Old Lady: Your son is adorable

4 yr. old: *running down aisles*

Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

*regional mathematics tryouts*

Judge: what is 2+2?

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife