I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”