I’ve been drinking.
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What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days