<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
You Might Also Like
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar