<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶