<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?