Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

I need a long hot meteor shower

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

Never ask a girl “How are you single?”

BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU

Well, that didn’t work.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”