Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

An odd boast

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today

ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE

ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo