I’ve been drinking.
You Might Also Like
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?