@kimtopher22

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

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@Tbone7219

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

@pro_failure

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@donni

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

@treydayway

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want