Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Do you need a glass of water?
You sure? You seem a little salty…