I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.


I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”


Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit


i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him


The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose


I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch


*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want