@kimtopher22: I've been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I'm eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
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@Tmoney68: Her: You sound hoarse. What's wrong? *flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home* Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
@AbbyHasIssues: I missed two of my mom's calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
@batkaren: Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”