I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

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Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.


I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.


The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.


Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?


Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.


HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.


I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.


People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.