I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
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everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*