@kimtopher22

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

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@rcromwell4

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

@PickleRudd

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

@weinerdog4life

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

@MageOfSolitude

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

@1Happytwit

HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.

@NotJPo

I hate when I get so stoned that I can barely feel my legs and arms and antlers and wings.

@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.