I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Stop it! 😂
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.