I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit