Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.