I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
A comic by Dan Piraro
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there