I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
When I snag the last meatball.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Heroic Misunderstanding
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
WHY?!
