I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
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Tapped in
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning