Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub

I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”