I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
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A bold strategy
Batman v Dracula
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
5 ways to appear taller
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?