Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Seems legit.

this country is so goddamn polarized

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

I might give this a try 😏

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

You can’t outrun your problems…

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?