I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
rise and shine we got egg
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
we did it you guys we saved daylight
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
vegan witches, happy halloween!
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.