I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
