I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.