I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me irl
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.