Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

I unironically love this joke.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.