Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

With grape soda comes grape responsibility.

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule