I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
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Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
After 35, your body ages in dog years
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday