Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?

*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

birds and squirrels envy us

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.