I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.