I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*