I unironically love this joke.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.