Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

British websites use biscuits.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong