I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
You Might Also Like
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.