i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
President The Rock Obama
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
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“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.