Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

Waiting for the Charmin

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.