Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

🤣

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.