Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

old twitter is back baby

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part