I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
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When I was 20 my hairdresser pointed out my first gray hair.
It’s weird how she was never seen or heard from again.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.