I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
You Might Also Like
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.