Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

Me: I really need to save money

Also me:

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

Okay, that made me chuckle 😂

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War