Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.

Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?

God: Turn its frown upside down.

Angel: That’s not much of a diff-

God: Give it a sideways tail.

Angel: O…kay…

God: Punch a hole in its noggin.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.

Everyone else at speed dating:

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

why would tinder want me to say this

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?