I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.